I think I've finally figured it out. What's going on here, with Alex and that other person.
I've always been a pretty needy person, I suppose. I always need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to about something... but things like that get a little tiring after a while. It's like... it's like hiking in a jungle without a machete to cut down everything that's in the way.
I've always needed someone, but no one has ever needed me. In the year and a half since we've been together, Alejandro has never once said "I need you". He doesn't need me very much. He says he loves me, and I know he does, but loving someone and needing someone are two different things... and they both go hand in hand. He's never been a machete.
And then... there is the other person. He is having so many problems now... I feel like I have so much to offer him, to hold out in my hands, carefully, my black velvet gloves and so many sapphires. We could need each other. I won't deny that I am very attracted to him... physically and emotionally. The emotion stems from that simple fact... I need to be needed.
But he has her. I have Alex. That should always be enough.
Enormous amounts of thoughts are flying from my unconscious into my conscious, pulsing for freedom at the keyboard... but I think they are safer in my little black notebook, with its collaged covers and its precious, if pretentious, pages.